Moments of acceptance - a doulas place .
I sit today wrung out and exhausted . Not because of the 36 hrs of support , not because of the instrumental delivery so far away from the mothers vision . Not for any of the reasons that I would think . My source of exhaustion is me and my mind , the wounds I still carry from my birth and the expectations I have of myself because of them .
I was a premature baby , came fast and was whisked away to an incubator where I lay alone for 3 months , never feeling my parents touch , never cuddled. Left to come to terms with and accept that I am alone and that is how I will be . That this is normal and I am fine alone , with no need for anybody.
Fast forward to 43 year old doula Lara and here I am in trauma because I have been excluded and pushed away from the birth I was assisting . I accept that the new mother needs to shape her boundaries , needs to hold her line and get her own routine in place to make some normal in her life .
That's the assistant speaking ! The abandoned child in me crys , wails , reaches out to be part of this story . Knowing that the support I have to give will create a healthy base to heal and grow from .
Why must I be the one to be the scapegoat ? Why must I be the one to feel that what I know is useless ? Why must I go through this again? I don't know . I accept where my mama is at and know that she must make her own decisions and she must hold her ground for herself and her sanity . I work on myself to make sure I take none of this personally . Cuddling my inner child , letting her know that she is loved and she is needed and even tho she is not doing all she knows she can , she is still doing a good job and supporting this woman to find her own place and power of motherhood .
It stings to be ignored , pushed out , shouted at and my knowledge negated . But the wise woman in me knows that sometimes this has to happen. There has to be someone to pick on and push away , much better that it is me and not the father or the baby.
I spend this day that would be spent cooking and holding a healing space , on healing myself and allowing myself to relax into different ways of supporting . I still send reiki and am open to being called . I suspend all judgement and support the mother supplying only what she can receive at this time. I am a servant and assistant a doula and I am here to support whatever decisions the mother makes .